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Moving on

At the start, it was amazing. Everything seemed perfect and you feel like you can face the world with someone there supporting you. You wanna talk to him all the time. share the smallest thing that happened that day and meet him all the time. you will miss him when you dont see him for a day. Falling in love is the best feeling in the world and i will never trade that for anything else. But when there’s a falling out, it turns into your worst nightmare.

This is honestly the hardest time for me. It’s the time for healing and a time where the pain is unbearable. You do whatever you can to escape this feeling. But no matter what, it starts to creep back into your mind and your thoughts consume you.

This guy meant so much to me. It was a short relationship but it shaped me to who i am today. I wont lie and say that i’m all good and happy. i’m a mess. i have absolutely no motivation at all to do anything. i have nothing to look forward to. i have no one significant to share my stories. i’m in a slump. i feel lonely and sad and sometimes i curse myself. why did i let it escalate to this? why was i so dependent on his affection that now i feel empty without it. did i do something wrong? did he get bored with me? or was he just annoyed by me? he pops in my head all the time and i’m constantly reminded of the memories we share. those memories are the ones that hurts me the most as once again i question myself, how did we even drift apart. it was so good and we were so happy. maybe i’m just stuck in the past and i dont know how to move forward cos i’m still not over it.

i will never know why he left me and that kills me. he left without even saying goodbye and i’m left hanging never knowing what made him leave me. he doesnt want to see me again. i must have not meant anything to him. i couldnt even hold on the person i loved and care for. i gave my all. maybe i shouldnt have given him my all. i should have been more selfish and thought about myself when things were turning bad. but some reason i couldnt do that for him. i wanted to give him as much attention as i can to this person. i want him to feel loved and to depend on me. i thought to myself it was not the right time for me to be selfish. i wanted to support him in everything he does. but i guess it was not meant to be.

i know i can get through this. it just takes time. i just wanna know the reason and i’m sure it’ll be easier for me that way. but that’s not gonna happen. it’s time for me to start getting better. to stop feeling sorry for myself. to find that motivation again and to stop being afraid and to stop blaming myself for this break up. i tried my best and that’s what matters. i will get past this and i will get stronger.

i miss you. it was good while it lasted.

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AM thoughts

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It’s been a while since i last post. due to my insane schedule and the lack of time and sleep, i’m forced to put aside this blog and concentrate on my boring ass life which consist of studying and more stu(dying). from the last time I’ve blogged, many things have changed and i too feel as though i have changed.

This semester has been nothing but easy. i feel cornered and lost most of the time leaving me is a dark place of depression and overthinking a couple of times. Although on the outside i might look cheery and happy all the time, but honestly speaking, i’m quite down most of the time and i just try to cover it with smiles and laughter. back in the day, i used to tell people how i feel and the problems I’ve been facing. but right now i don’t know who t turn to and i feel like i shouldn’t burden anyone or make people worry about me. however, i also feel that that is all in my head. i mean who would actually set a time from themselves to worry about me and my problems. and maybe all these thoughts have made me insecure to open up and let them know how i feel. whether it is about school work, projects, groupings or friendship problems. it has lead me to believe that i am alone in this battle and fighting this war by myself. worst of all, it is a mental battle. i’m constantly fighting with my overflowing negative thought and trying my best to occupy myself to stop thinking about all of this from contaminating my mind and heart. it’s physically and mentally draining to me.

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this year especially is a hard one for me. people whom i thought would stay by me and support me has left me, endless work and also the battle with my inner demons. i can’t even count how many times i’ve broken down and fallen into a deep hole of sadness and anxiety. but with all honesty, i’m proud of myself for coming this far. all these obstacles have made me more stronger and better. i’ve became more tactful and cautious about what i say. more sensitive and considerate.

and even with so many people leaving me, i’ve gained more and met people who are more honest and genuine. and met people who are indeed gems and will listen to my problems and give me comfort even though they know they can’t be much help. but i appreciate them for listening and that is way comforting  as i feel a sense of relief after that. i am so blessed to have met them and no words can describe how thankful i am to have met ya’ll. you guys saved me. thank you.

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BYE~!

part one

after so long, I finally had the time to sit down and type out what’s in my head. This year has been like a roller coaster to me. Both physically and mentally for me. lot of great things has happened these past few months but lots of complicated issues. Friends, family, school and all those things. it really makes me wonder whether i can cope with all of this at once.

Let me start off with school. School has been a pain in the ass this semester.  Some of my lectures are unable to teach in my opinion. not to say i know anything about teaching but i am unable to grasp whatever they are teaching cos i don’t understand whatever they are talking about. they go through work like a bullet train and when we ask for clarification, most of the time, they disregard it. this makes me really confused. you are a tutor. your job is to teach me. you are paid to do so. so why is it hard for  you to do that task?

Lets put aside studies in school for a second and jump to club activities. This AY, i have the privilege of joining my course maincomm called BiZEn. My position in the maincomm is subcomm head. I feel that this position is quite fitting for me and i enjoy my role in the club very much. However, conflict always arise whenever a major project is arriving. Our AGM was a few months back and i would say that it was okay but it can definitely improve. I dont know. for me, i’m constantly trying to better myself everyday if it’s possible. i mean there’s s many great people out there that inspire me everyday and i just feel like i also need to be like them and be a better person. okay back to the point, after one event is over, there’s no time to rest cos there’s something that’s way more important and that’s the Freshman Orientation camp. And this has been in my head for so long and making me stress all the time. all these time i’m just thinking whether the camp is possible with such short notice. right now, nothing has been set in place and it really freaks the hell out of me cos the camp date itself is drawing nearer. for me, i’m afraid i wont be a good GL head. i’m not experienced as a GL head. thank goodness i have friends who are able to guide me and teach me the ways as a GL head. if not i would be so lost right now.

okay i shall end it here now. so this can be part one of my rants. i’m just sleepy that’s why hahahahah!

Daily rants #4

http%3A%2F%2F24.media.tumblr.com%2Ftumblr_m4aapcbx2H1qzi80do1_r2_500School has been taking a toll on me. Right now, I’m just exhausted. exhausted from school and exhausted from LIFE. well, I’m exaggerating. however I am exhausted and you can even see it in my skin that I am stressed, tired and in a mess. School work has been piling and even tho a couple of projects are done, it seems like there’s more to submit. It’s like a never-ending cycle of work after work after work and I’m just like whoa. Hold on and give me a moment to rest.

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Other than work, my head is just in a mess. It’s like my brain will not stop working and thinking. I mean I know how to relax and believe me i can relax. It’s just that now a day, i cant seem to do that. It’s either I’m thinking of my school work or people. It just keeps working. But I’m not thinking of serious issues all the time. it’s just my brain will not stop working. I do admit, I’ve been happier. And maybe me feeling this way is making my brain work even harder and trying to find ways to make me feel better or just stop all the negativity. Right now I feel like a crap but I have come to terms that I just have to suck it up and just go on with life.

Now, even though I’m making my life sound extremely terrible now, there are happy moments here and there. Great company has given me the motivation to stay positive and remain happy. whether it’s at school or at home, I’m surrounded with people who (i hope haha) loves me and cares for me. Coffee is like the love of my life right now during this tough period. Yes drinking coffee all the isn’t good however, it has given me so much life and joy. Now i really want a caramel macchiato. Tea is a good substitute for coffee too. but coffee is just amazing! And i know this sounds weird but my laptop has been my best friend and i am nothing without it. my spotify, youtube, school stuff, everything is in my laptop and i’m just so dependent on it now. it might sound like it’s nothing, but it’s everything to me.

tumblr_inline_n49v8oTAXW1qafrh6Well that’s all i have to say for now. Hope you’re all doing well. and if you’re going through a tough time just like me, stay strong and persevere on. We can all do this. It will all be worth it and remember, NO RAGRETS HAHAH! See ya!

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credits to the owner of pics 🙂

AM post 5

Well July has arrived and for some reason, it seems like i have hit it off feeling like shit. well at least i feel that i have. This past few weeks have not been the best for me, i admit it. And I have my dark days. today is one of them. there’s just too many things going on all at the same time. it’s just getting way too out hand and i just want to stop for a while. But it chasing after me and it won’t let me rest at all. The haunting thoughts at night and trying to put on a happy face when deep down inside, I’m just falling apart. I’m just way too overwhelmed right now. I’ve been trying my best to stay strong just like how i always tell my friends when they are facing problem. But god it is so damn hard.

I’m sorry for sounding like this after not posting for so long. But i just needed to vent out the pent-up feelings that i have been bottling all this time. I’m just hoping that God will give me the strength to pick myself up and carry on. I can do this.

It’s a little odd for me to be posting so early in the morning but i need to get something of my chest before i start to go mad and kill everyone that i see.

It feels like even though we put in so much effort into doing something, it is never appreciated. and it makes me sad to think that after spending five years with us, you would still think we are a nuisance. worse. even regard us as strangers. why would you do that. even after we have done so much for this production and mind you, we are not getting anything out of it. and we are still a nuisance?! Fuck…… i didn’t know you thought of us that way……. it’s times like this where i wish i could talk to mrs b.

i feel like shit now thanks to you.

AM post 4

lkmoij.pngMarch is coming into an end and here I am thinking that it is still January. It’s crazy how time fly so fast nowadays. Soon it’s gonna be April and i will have to face my new school and meet new people which is kinda freaking me out. Let’s be honest here, I’m absolutely terrified of meeting new people. Not that I am anti social person. It’s just that i feel i have lost a small part of that super friendly and bubbly side of me. Not being around a bunch of people for the past year has made me kinda socially awkward. I’ll like to believe I still am friendly and confident. it’s just that i have become more scared and nervous. which is something new for me because i’m quite “out there”. Super crazy and wild. But now, i feel like i have matured. I am more relaxed and calm now. Which i really like.

Well i don’t have to be scared and nervous. I need to be more confident! COME ON AMANI!!! HAHAHAHAHHA!!

Anyways, these past few months has been great. Tiring. but great.I met new people through Arts Panache. Became closer to my juniors and gave them whatever help i could offer them. hopefully this will be a smooth production and everything will fall into place on the performance day, which i am so excited for!! This really brought back good memories from my drama days…… Really miss those time. And i wish i had treasured it more….. How i wish i could go back in time and relive those happy moments once again.

426822_2633308670467_1187913277_32237180_1795276743_nMrs B has gotta be the best teacher i have ever met! love her and i miss her so much!

425436_380424565305387_100000135417399_1690069_1448814138_n423446_2633291030026_1187913277_32237148_924308045_nRyana looks so cute here! And iffah looking pretty as always.

Really wish i could relive those moments once again. Love my drama club to death. And I’m so glad that we still keep in contact. So blessed that i have met them and became like a family to them. LOVE YOU GUYS!!

Well that’s all for tonight. Gotta head to sleep. BYE~!

Updates!

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My ootd to the recent play I just watched called ‘The Misanthrope’.

Well hello there fellow readers! It is March……… HOW COULD THIS BE!!! Time is passing by so fast. It seems like earth is on steroids. We just need to slow down man…. take things slow and chill for a second.

Alright! trying to stick to my new year’s resolution of posting more often wordpress, I’ve decided to take some time off my not-so-busy schedule and wordpress a little before heading to sleep. It has been quite hectic these past few days or so. doing my poly admissions thingy which is so damn confusing and annoying, helping out with the Arts Panache and also helping my mother with her work. helping with the arts panache has been really fun yet challenging. It’s a tough job trying to get things on the right track and helping out the cast and crew. But it really does bring back good memories from my days in drama. I’m quite excited to see the final performance and i’m just hoping everything will go smoothly.

Singapore has been exceptionally hot nowadays. And the haze is getting worse. the air smells like ass. But we can get through this. I’m just really wishing for it to rain. I would be so happy if it rains. It’s so damn hot and dry that the grass is brown in colour. Which is quite sad to see…..

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Anyway, I just wanna take this time to mention my best friend Iffah over here. She’s going through a really tough time in her life right now and i just wanna give her a shoutout. To stay strong. We are here for you all the way and we will help you get through this difficult time, together. Always remember that you are surrounded by many friends and family that supports you and love you so much cos we appreciate what you have done for us and we are so thankful that you helped us without ever wanting anything in return. especially me! I can’t thank you enough for what you have done. Forget about that jerk. He’s not worth your time. Remember that there are many guys waiting for you. And they will love you more than he did. And when you are in doubt or feeling low, remember that i’m here for you. Turn to Him too cos He will always listen and help you. 🙂

Alright! that’s all i have to say now. I know it’s a short post but this is just a short update. See ya on my next post! BYE~!

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Goodbye 2013 and Hello 2014!

tumblr_lx3lohTq101r1urdmo1_500[1]I know it’s a little late to do a “Goodbye 2013 and Hello 2014” post but, it’s still January and many things happened during 2013 that I would like to share it with you guys. Also, I wanted to share my new year’s resolution or what I’m planning to do in 2014. So let’s get started.

2013 was a really rocky year. Might not be so eventful but it was definitely rocky and a tough year. From the start of the year, it was really challenging. I had a really tough time trying to figure out what i wanna do in the future and what was my plan. For starters, i didn’t tell you guys this but i actually retook my ‘O’ levels. I didn’t get my desired grades and i couldn’t go to the course which i wanted. So i decided to retake my O’s so that i could go to a good school and a good course. Honestly i didn’t know whether that was the right decision because in my head, retaking my O’s was a shameful thing to do and it meant that i’m a failure. I know it’s a stupid thing to have thought of but that was how i genuinely felt about it. And also, I was quite embarrassed to tell people that i was retaking my O’s since everyone else that i knew was moving on to their next chapter in life while i was stuck in the same position for another year. That’s how i felt in the start. It was tough. I was pretty much a stupid girl to have thought of it that way. Of course as the year started to pass, my thoughts of it changed. I felt less embarrassed about it and i wasn’t afraid to tell people what i was doing. My mindset about it changed and i felt that i shouldn’t care about what others thought about it. I should just be proud of it. I mean it’s my life and i couldn’t care less about what others think. And thank god i retook my O’s cos i got a good score in the end and i was eligible to go to many different courses.  Sometimes you don’t know whether you have made the right decisions and you are constantly worrying whether it’s right. However, you have to remember to always be confident about the decisions make and have faith in yourself.

Friends have definitely helped me get through the year. They encouraged me to do better, supported me in whatever i did and helped me become a better person. I have to admit, I’m a pretty bad person and friend. well at least that’s what i think. But I’m slowly changing and trying or in the process of becoming a better person.e7253a9d1ca84ccfbcb1ace2de8393de@2x

One person i’d like to mention in Zhi En who has been with me all the time. She gives me so much encouragement and energy and i can’t even thank her enough for that. And i know i can trust her. She’s got my back and I got her’s. Also i wanna mention Ballery.28d383dca57511e1bf341231380f8a12_7

She is crazy and wild but also so caring and so understanding. If i got problem, she gives my the best advises and i trust her. She’s so young but mature for her age. I mean i remember when i was 16 and i was still playing my psp. i was so childish. There are still many others who support me and i love you guys. And i’m sorry if i didn’t mention you here but of course you’re still included. OH! I wanna mention Carissa who has been supporting me all this time even though she’s so far away. I MISS YOU SO MUCH CAR!!20120414-140142

In 2013, we got a new addition to my family. Meet Pablo. He’s our cat!!Processed with VSCOcam with t1 preset

And he is the cutest cat in the world. We adopted him in 4th June and he has given my family and I such joy and happiness. I love him so much and he just the best. When I’m having a really bad day, he would just shower me with cuteness and love. he just make all my problems and sadness disappear.

Okay on to my 2014 plans cos this post is getting really long.

  •  to get into a good course in school and do well in it of course.
  • Make my parents happy and proud. This really important.
  • Be more adventurous.
  • Gain new experience
  • WordPress more often.

Hopefully i can stick to it and make 2014 a good year.

So that’s all i have to say. goodbye 2013! you have been great and HELLO 2014!!

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The Future

The future is really scary. And for me, I am given a task to decide my future in 2 days. honestly, I don’t know what i wanna do in the future or who i wanna be. this makes me even more scared. What if i make the wrong choice? what if 10 years down the road i will regret my decision just because i don’t know what i wanna do now. Everyone in this world have their own ambitions. I wanted to be a doctor. Specifically, a pediatrician. But for a long time, I’ve neglected my ambitions because i was too busy caring about other things and i was so overwhelmed by my studies. It  was to the point where I had lost confidence in it and question whether i could achieve it.

My result came and i got a okay. it was not too bad but it was not too good either. Honestly, i didn’t feel anything. i wasn’t happy or sad. i was just numb. However my results were not good enough to go where i wanted to go to. i’ve been doing nothing but research on which school to go to, which course to apply to and most importantly, what would my future be like if i apply to a specific course. and let me tell you it is tiring. And it is making my whole brain messed up.

Now, I’m so confused. I’m so lost. I don’t what to do or who to turn to. I guess it’s because it’s my own decision and it’s my own life, but i really don’t know. It’s all blank to me. everything is not clear.