All posts by utterlyamani

About utterlyamani

Amani and gang is AWESOME!

Getting Better


I have to admit, I am in a slump. I am feeling lost and honestly it is time to get my shit together. I am at my peak. I’m turning 22 this year and it is time for me to step up and be an adult. This past couple of weeks and month has been tough but recently, I’ve been trying to get better and stronger. A set back does not stop time although it seems like my life is in a pause. Get what i mean? I feel like my life is stagnant, dull and honestly…… Monotonous. That not how i should be spending my youth! i need to do something to get myself back on track. At this point, it’s all about self-love and getting better.

So what i have been doing recently is getting fit. Honestly, i would say i am mentally unhealthy. And this has translate into a physical form. So i could see my body just rotting away. I lost a lot of weight. My skin is a mess. I have a major hormone imbalance and i could clearly see it as my body is showing signs of it. I was just a mess. i could stay at home all day and do nothing at all and not feel like shit about it cos i already felt that way. So in order to get out of this vicious cycle, i had to take some measures.

One of it is working out and I swear this has created the most positive change in my life. I used to hate working out but now I feel like it is essential. Not only does it help regulate my hormones but it gives me a sense of drive and i feel amazing afterward. Honestly i really did not expect myself to like doing it. I’ve been pretty good about it and i make sure to workout every other day and stick to a good workout routine. It gives me energy and sweating it all out actually feels good. Not only that, i actually see some results on my body. Muscles are developing at areas I would like them to be. My body is more toned now and my skin has improved a lot ever since i starting working out.

Eating better is also part of it. I mean i do eat a lot but sometimes i don’t eat at all. I also don’t have the healthiest diet cos i dont really care about what i eat. I still dont care that much but i make sure i eat at the right time and the right amount. Making sure i eat all my meals and also increase my intake of fruits and vegetables.

Lastly, immersing myself at work. Now that I have a job, at least i got something to do in my life. I put my energy to it and just zone out during those hours. I feel good that I’m working cos i’m earning my own money and i feel like an adult cos i don’t depend on my parents anymore on these kind of things. i dont feel like a burden and i have money now. Even though currently i’m broke but heyyyy~ i’ll get back the money again next month.

So that’s what I’ve been doing recently that has given has really helped me out. Now that i have a lot more alone time, i start to think a lot. I need to depend on myself more. I need to bring my own happiness and i need to be even more independent now since I’m the only one looking out for myself. There’s still a lot of things to think about like what i wanna do in after i graduate, uni, my career path and all that stuff. I can’t sit around anymore and stay wherever i am and not progress. People are moving forward and i need to start moving too.


Moving on

At the start, it was amazing. Everything seemed perfect and you feel like you can face the world with someone there supporting you. You wanna talk to him all the time. share the smallest thing that happened that day and meet him all the time. you will miss him when you dont see him for a day. Falling in love is the best feeling in the world and i will never trade that for anything else. But when there’s a falling out, it turns into your worst nightmare.

This is honestly the hardest time for me. It’s the time for healing and a time where the pain is unbearable. You do whatever you can to escape this feeling. But no matter what, it starts to creep back into your mind and your thoughts consume you.

This guy meant so much to me. It was a short relationship but it shaped me to who i am today. I wont lie and say that i’m all good and happy. i’m a mess. i have absolutely no motivation at all to do anything. i have nothing to look forward to. i have no one significant to share my stories. i’m in a slump. i feel lonely and sad and sometimes i curse myself. why did i let it escalate to this? why was i so dependent on his affection that now i feel empty without it. did i do something wrong? did he get bored with me? or was he just annoyed by me? he pops in my head all the time and i’m constantly reminded of the memories we share. those memories are the ones that hurts me the most as once again i question myself, how did we even drift apart. it was so good and we were so happy. maybe i’m just stuck in the past and i dont know how to move forward cos i’m still not over it.

i will never know why he left me and that kills me. he left without even saying goodbye and i’m left hanging never knowing what made him leave me. he doesnt want to see me again. i must have not meant anything to him. i couldnt even hold on the person i loved and care for. i gave my all. maybe i shouldnt have given him my all. i should have been more selfish and thought about myself when things were turning bad. but some reason i couldnt do that for him. i wanted to give him as much attention as i can to this person. i want him to feel loved and to depend on me. i thought to myself it was not the right time for me to be selfish. i wanted to support him in everything he does. but i guess it was not meant to be.

i know i can get through this. it just takes time. i just wanna know the reason and i’m sure it’ll be easier for me that way. but that’s not gonna happen. it’s time for me to start getting better. to stop feeling sorry for myself. to find that motivation again and to stop being afraid and to stop blaming myself for this break up. i tried my best and that’s what matters. i will get past this and i will get stronger.

i miss you. it was good while it lasted.

AM thoughts


It’s been a while since i last post. due to my insane schedule and the lack of time and sleep, i’m forced to put aside this blog and concentrate on my boring ass life which consist of studying and more stu(dying). from the last time I’ve blogged, many things have changed and i too feel as though i have changed.

This semester has been nothing but easy. i feel cornered and lost most of the time leaving me is a dark place of depression and overthinking a couple of times. Although on the outside i might look cheery and happy all the time, but honestly speaking, i’m quite down most of the time and i just try to cover it with smiles and laughter. back in the day, i used to tell people how i feel and the problems I’ve been facing. but right now i don’t know who t turn to and i feel like i shouldn’t burden anyone or make people worry about me. however, i also feel that that is all in my head. i mean who would actually set a time from themselves to worry about me and my problems. and maybe all these thoughts have made me insecure to open up and let them know how i feel. whether it is about school work, projects, groupings or friendship problems. it has lead me to believe that i am alone in this battle and fighting this war by myself. worst of all, it is a mental battle. i’m constantly fighting with my overflowing negative thought and trying my best to occupy myself to stop thinking about all of this from contaminating my mind and heart. it’s physically and mentally draining to me.


this year especially is a hard one for me. people whom i thought would stay by me and support me has left me, endless work and also the battle with my inner demons. i can’t even count how many times i’ve broken down and fallen into a deep hole of sadness and anxiety. but with all honesty, i’m proud of myself for coming this far. all these obstacles have made me more stronger and better. i’ve became more tactful and cautious about what i say. more sensitive and considerate.

and even with so many people leaving me, i’ve gained more and met people who are more honest and genuine. and met people who are indeed gems and will listen to my problems and give me comfort even though they know they can’t be much help. but i appreciate them for listening and that is way comforting  as i feel a sense of relief after that. i am so blessed to have met them and no words can describe how thankful i am to have met ya’ll. you guys saved me. thank you.



part one

after so long, I finally had the time to sit down and type out what’s in my head. This year has been like a roller coaster to me. Both physically and mentally for me. lot of great things has happened these past few months but lots of complicated issues. Friends, family, school and all those things. it really makes me wonder whether i can cope with all of this at once.

Let me start off with school. School has been a pain in the ass this semester.  Some of my lectures are unable to teach in my opinion. not to say i know anything about teaching but i am unable to grasp whatever they are teaching cos i don’t understand whatever they are talking about. they go through work like a bullet train and when we ask for clarification, most of the time, they disregard it. this makes me really confused. you are a tutor. your job is to teach me. you are paid to do so. so why is it hard for  you to do that task?

Lets put aside studies in school for a second and jump to club activities. This AY, i have the privilege of joining my course maincomm called BiZEn. My position in the maincomm is subcomm head. I feel that this position is quite fitting for me and i enjoy my role in the club very much. However, conflict always arise whenever a major project is arriving. Our AGM was a few months back and i would say that it was okay but it can definitely improve. I dont know. for me, i’m constantly trying to better myself everyday if it’s possible. i mean there’s s many great people out there that inspire me everyday and i just feel like i also need to be like them and be a better person. okay back to the point, after one event is over, there’s no time to rest cos there’s something that’s way more important and that’s the Freshman Orientation camp. And this has been in my head for so long and making me stress all the time. all these time i’m just thinking whether the camp is possible with such short notice. right now, nothing has been set in place and it really freaks the hell out of me cos the camp date itself is drawing nearer. for me, i’m afraid i wont be a good GL head. i’m not experienced as a GL head. thank goodness i have friends who are able to guide me and teach me the ways as a GL head. if not i would be so lost right now.

okay i shall end it here now. so this can be part one of my rants. i’m just sleepy that’s why hahahahah!

Daily Rants #5

School has been a mess for me. Relying in merely 5 hours of sleep everyday, drinking coffee to keep up my energy and delaying my meals. This has become my daily routine since ever since school started. Not to mention the constant headaches and migraines I’ve been having these past few days. It has been really tiring for me. And when friday comes, I’m just like YAAAAAASSSSS!!!! FINALLY! But then it hit me that i have submissions due and project that needs to be done. It has come to the point where i even dream about my projects and school. I am not joking here guys.


Yes it has been really messy but thank god for OCL (off-campus learning) week. This week was the time i’ve sort my thoughts, my work and prioritize what’s most important to me right now. Every single day it is a constant battle to me. Battling my demons. My thought has gotta be my worse enemy cos lets face it, we all over-think. And my thought constantly overpowers me cos i think way too deep and too far into the situation that it consumes me. And i admit, it is something that has to be changed. I use to not care that much about what people think and what the circumstances might happen if i say something, which meant that i didn’t filter. I wished i was like that now cos i feel i care way too much then i used to. Which may be good but it can also be bad. I wished i cared less about what people said or thought about me or what i do. Because now i know there is an outcome in whatever i do.

But now that i have sorted out everything and just made myself centered again, i think i am gonna do fine. I really do. I think this is a major wake up call for me to just snap me back to reality. It’s time for me to just do whatever that i feel is right. in a sense, be a little bit selfish, but not too much. And just not care about what others say cos that will just slow me down.IMG-20140904-WA0015

(just cos i miss the crazy “photoshoot” team awesome had)

Daily rants #4 has been taking a toll on me. Right now, I’m just exhausted. exhausted from school and exhausted from LIFE. well, I’m exaggerating. however I am exhausted and you can even see it in my skin that I am stressed, tired and in a mess. School work has been piling and even tho a couple of projects are done, it seems like there’s more to submit. It’s like a never-ending cycle of work after work after work and I’m just like whoa. Hold on and give me a moment to rest.


Other than work, my head is just in a mess. It’s like my brain will not stop working and thinking. I mean I know how to relax and believe me i can relax. It’s just that now a day, i cant seem to do that. It’s either I’m thinking of my school work or people. It just keeps working. But I’m not thinking of serious issues all the time. it’s just my brain will not stop working. I do admit, I’ve been happier. And maybe me feeling this way is making my brain work even harder and trying to find ways to make me feel better or just stop all the negativity. Right now I feel like a crap but I have come to terms that I just have to suck it up and just go on with life.

Now, even though I’m making my life sound extremely terrible now, there are happy moments here and there. Great company has given me the motivation to stay positive and remain happy. whether it’s at school or at home, I’m surrounded with people who (i hope haha) loves me and cares for me. Coffee is like the love of my life right now during this tough period. Yes drinking coffee all the isn’t good however, it has given me so much life and joy. Now i really want a caramel macchiato. Tea is a good substitute for coffee too. but coffee is just amazing! And i know this sounds weird but my laptop has been my best friend and i am nothing without it. my spotify, youtube, school stuff, everything is in my laptop and i’m just so dependent on it now. it might sound like it’s nothing, but it’s everything to me.

tumblr_inline_n49v8oTAXW1qafrh6Well that’s all i have to say for now. Hope you’re all doing well. and if you’re going through a tough time just like me, stay strong and persevere on. We can all do this. It will all be worth it and remember, NO RAGRETS HAHAH! See ya!


credits to the owner of pics 🙂

Daily Rants #3[1]October is coming to an end and my god everything is going so fast. School has officially started and i must say I am so overwhelmed by everything.

  1. Once we started school, we have 2 project works due on the third and forth week of school
  2. Personal matters pops up
  3. I have a skin issue
  4. I look like a druggie cos i have not been able to get enough sleep

It might not look a lot but that was all in a week. I’ll do anything to get my holidays back. ANYTHING! i just wanna laze around in bed and hang out with my cat 24/7.tumblr_ldlmfmTUEX1qayacpNot only did a lot of things happen but a lot of things have changed. I have changed. I feel like i have aged 5 years or more after facing my problems. I feel super mature now. But i think that came with a price cos now i have the “i don’t care what you do” attitude. Then again i have always had that attitude but now it has gotten worse. I’m rambling. The point is i can give super harsh comments and i have terrible mood swings now. I’ll get by it so it’ll be alright~! I shall not really elaborate on the problem i faced recently cos I’m not really ready to talk about it in public. But when i’m ready, I will tell. Anyways it has really opened my mind and made me realise a lot of things. And i took it all as a lesson and i must say i’ve learnt a lot from it. I have improved my decision- making skills, made me have an even more open mind and i also learnt how to deal with certain matters more maturely and be more level headed.

It’s like a roller coaster. Lots of ups and downs. I shall not lie, i’ve had many downs. However i’m happy now. Been happier but i’m getting through things really well. I feel like i can do anything. I’m happy. And i’ll stay this

Daily Rants #2

tumblr_m7qottgqk21qik79mo1_500It is October now. Can you believe how fast this year is passing by. Holidays are gonna end soon and i will soon have to snap back to reality and face school once again. Even though i’m don’t want school to start but a small part of me does. Mainly because i get to see my friend which is always awesome. Maybe a fresh new semester is like a fresh new starts. something like the start of the year. Something new is gonna happen and you know big things are gonna happen. Great things in fact. But as usual, this will only last for a couple of weeks then boom! You wish your holidays will come back.

But for now, I’m enjoying my holidays as much as possible. Going out with friends and someone more special than a friend…… heheheh! also i worked FOR F1! not really for F1 but under their food and beverages segment. It was a great experience and it was so fun working with my friends at the wee hour cos we took the midnight shift. Best shift in the world! love it! especially when you have friends working with you. got to see Jennifer Freakin’ Lopez and she was amazing! Like how can someone have so much energy to perform for so long and in heals! wow!


Anyways, a lot has changed since the last time i blogged. One of the big changes is having someone really special to me. Now, i have gain so many new friends. My poly friends, and friends outside my poly. These are some of the best people i have ever met and i am so blessed to have met them and for them to accept me as a friend is really a big deal to me cos they really treat me well. It just warms my heart. Love you guys so so much.


But i have also lost friends that were very dear to me and they were once really really close friends to me. It is still hard for me to move on from it and try to forget it. They were such good people to me and i was really blessed to have them in my life. But i guess it was not meant to be. And sometimes you have to let it go. Even though you want to fix things so badly but if the other party doesn’t then i cant do anything about it. Makes me sad thinking back at it cos maybe it might be my fault maybe it was not. And even though it wasn’t my fault, why couldn’t i fix it. All these questions comes to my mind. But sometimes you just don’t have the answer for it. But i’m getting past it. My friends are making it easier for me and I’m glad to have them.

Stay positive guys. Think of people who really loves you. Treasure them and i’m sure life will be better!


Credits to the owners of pics

Daily Rants #1

1405770825266[1]Following up with my current wordpress series – AM Post, I will be starting a new series called Daily Rants. Why? because I want to rant and hopefully this might sort off be a daily thing going on in the boring blog. So lets get started shall we people!


First off i would like to rant on the fact that i have been feeling quite lonely recently. I’m not saying i dont have friends or anything but it has been 19 years and still, i have not experienced the feeling of “like like” or “love”. I just have never felt that way for a person before in my life and you might think it’s weird. But to be honest, it is quite normal and frankly speaking, I like it. I feel happy being single an I have more money to spend on myself. You would think by now i would have felt the feeling of love but I don’t. And honestly, i feel as though I’m repelling guys instead of attracting them. Hence, this leads me to question myself. Is there something about me that needs to be changed in order to get a guy? Okay now you guys will be wondering whether I’m like desperate to find a guy or whatever. But I’m not. I love being single. Sometimes I see my friend who are in a relationship and they would be fighting all the time and i would think to myself, thank God I’m not in a relationship. But there are days (like today) that makes me feel like i do want something like that. Or at least experience a little something along that line. And then you remember that there is the other side in the relationship that is just filled with happiness and love and that’s what makes me feel lonely.


I have to admit, I am one of those people that would look at a couple out in public and be like bleagh. I’m my head i’m like thinking can you go somewhere else where i can’t see your PDA. Then again, sometimes it’s quite nice to see them cos they’re happy and that’s their source of happiness anyways. It’s like watching a drama when the 2 main characters get together and you be like awwwwww~! Be sometimes it’s like bleagh….. The point is i have mixed feelings about it.


In conclusion………….. well i dont have a conclusion to this. HAHAHAHA! This is the beauty of rants. You don’t have a point to make but you just want to rant it out. I like it and i have a feeling i will do it again. Till next time. BYE GUHYSS~!


(credits to owners of pictures 🙂 )

AM post 5

Well July has arrived and for some reason, it seems like i have hit it off feeling like shit. well at least i feel that i have. This past few weeks have not been the best for me, i admit it. And I have my dark days. today is one of them. there’s just too many things going on all at the same time. it’s just getting way too out hand and i just want to stop for a while. But it chasing after me and it won’t let me rest at all. The haunting thoughts at night and trying to put on a happy face when deep down inside, I’m just falling apart. I’m just way too overwhelmed right now. I’ve been trying my best to stay strong just like how i always tell my friends when they are facing problem. But god it is so damn hard.

I’m sorry for sounding like this after not posting for so long. But i just needed to vent out the pent-up feelings that i have been bottling all this time. I’m just hoping that God will give me the strength to pick myself up and carry on. I can do this.