Moving on

At the start, it was amazing. Everything seemed perfect and you feel like you can face the world with someone there supporting you. You wanna talk to him all the time. share the smallest thing that happened that day and meet him all the time. you will miss him when you dont see him for a day. Falling in love is the best feeling in the world and i will never trade that for anything else. But when there’s a falling out, it turns into your worst nightmare.

This is honestly the hardest time for me. It’s the time for healing and a time where the pain is unbearable. You do whatever you can to escape this feeling. But no matter what, it starts to creep back into your mind and your thoughts consume you.

This guy meant so much to me. It was a short relationship but it shaped me to who i am today. I wont lie and say that i’m all good and happy. i’m a mess. i have absolutely no motivation at all to do anything. i have nothing to look forward to. i have no one significant to share my stories. i’m in a slump. i feel lonely and sad and sometimes i curse myself. why did i let it escalate to this? why was i so dependent on his affection that now i feel empty without it. did i do something wrong? did he get bored with me? or was he just annoyed by me? he pops in my head all the time and i’m constantly reminded of the memories we share. those memories are the ones that hurts me the most as once again i question myself, how did we even drift apart. it was so good and we were so happy. maybe i’m just stuck in the past and i dont know how to move forward cos i’m still not over it.

i will never know why he left me and that kills me. he left without even saying goodbye and i’m left hanging never knowing what made him leave me. he doesnt want to see me again. i must have not meant anything to him. i couldnt even hold on the person i loved and care for. i gave my all. maybe i shouldnt have given him my all. i should have been more selfish and thought about myself when things were turning bad. but some reason i couldnt do that for him. i wanted to give him as much attention as i can to this person. i want him to feel loved and to depend on me. i thought to myself it was not the right time for me to be selfish. i wanted to support him in everything he does. but i guess it was not meant to be.

i know i can get through this. it just takes time. i just wanna know the reason and i’m sure it’ll be easier for me that way. but that’s not gonna happen. it’s time for me to start getting better. to stop feeling sorry for myself. to find that motivation again and to stop being afraid and to stop blaming myself for this break up. i tried my best and that’s what matters. i will get past this and i will get stronger.

i miss you. it was good while it lasted.


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